As long I can remember, I have felt the need to be in control of things. I wanted to make all the decisions and be in charge. I attributed this desire to a natural leadership ability – I felt I was born to be a leader and run things.
During high school and college I became involved in many organizations and assumed leadership roles. I thought I was leading, but looking back I was controlling, often ignoring others and shutting down when things didn’t go my way.
As I started to drink, I began to try to control all aspects of my life – how I presented myself to the world, what I did, what I said. I figured if I could do that, everything would be okay. Initially, this started as a way to conceal my sexuality, but it soon began to be a way to conceal how much I drank how out of control my life was becoming.
One of the things I needed to do in early recovery was to learn to give up control and turn my will and life over to a Higher Power. I thought that is would be an easy task, as I’ve had a higher power for most of my life. However, it was one of the most difficult things I have had to do in my life and find myself continually needing to do this.
Every morning when I wake up, I do two things – say the serenity prayer, and turn my will over to my Higher Power. When I am able to do that and not control the outcome of things, everything turns out okay. But as soon as I start to try to control the outcome of things, they end up going south. I’m slowly learning that I am not the one in control and becoming okay with that. I can only control my actions and let everything else fall into place.